things that make me :)

screw everything.

screw everyone.

will anyone give me a freaking break?

Sorry I haven’t been on much recently, I have been holiday-ing!

I don’t write many blogs but I figured this was worth it. I know, it’s a little long but bear with me. 

So the New Year is just around the corner and I have been thinking about some changes I need to make! Some are little and will be easy and some are big and will be hard. Some have been a long time coming and some I just now decided to do. 

1. Join Al-Anon and go through the 12 steps. 

For those of you who don’t know Al-Anon is a program that helps family and friends of Alcoholics or Addicts accept their circumstances and recover. If you have never had a significant relationship with an alcoholic or addict this probably sounds stupid, but take it from someone who’s mother is both, the relationship is very damaging in almost every aspect of one’s life. Last year I attended Alateen (the teenage version) for a few months and was finally able to accept my mother’s disease but I am realizing I have a lot more work to do as far as being okay with where it puts our relationship and that the healthiest thing for me may be to not have her in my life. Which leads me to my next resolution…

2. Seek God’s advice, go back to therapy and Al-Anon and think long and hard and finally make a serious decision about whether or not to have an actual relationship with my mother. 

Although I have probably seen her only about 30 hours in the past year and spoken to her on the phone about 3, that little time is still so damaging. I have considered cutting her out for such a long time but now it seems like the moment of truth. She is constantly getting worse and it is really hard to deal with and so incredibly unbearably painful at times.

3. Really start making an effort at moving on from Alice’s death.

My good friend Alice passed last April from Leukemia. She had a very long battle and fought so hard. She was truly an incredible person and I miss her every day. Her death has been much more painful than I had anticipated. I can’t seem to move very far out of sadness, anger and shock. I want to move forward and know she would want me to also. 

4. Join Weight Watchers.

I have always always struggled with my weight. I was at my chubbiest sophomore year when I made a 180 with my life and lost about 35 lbs. I lost another like 10 last year but was not 100% healthy in how I lost it. I was down to a 2 or 4, which was nice. I gained it all back after Alice passed and there was other emotional stuff going on too. I am committed to losing it again, and healthily this time. No more “I’m going on a diet next monday” and the next monday is every next monday. I am starting new years day and weight watchers is going to help me stay on track and stay healthy.

5. Join Camp Gladiator and attend frequently.

My cousin founded and runs this fabulous boot camp http://www.campgladiator.com/ It is very uplifting and encouraging and will help me get fit and stay active. I am really excited but nervous too. I have had some health issues which have prevented me from working out but I will be back in the game when the new year comes. 

6. Dye my hair back to it’s natural color.

My hair hasn’t been it’s natural color since I was about 12! That is 6 years of dying. But I am finally ready to be natural again. I highlighted the crap out of it from 12 to 16 then dyed it a brownish color briefly and have been a redhead the past two years. I want to graduate with my natural dark brown and also I *crosses fingers* may be starring in a short film and the director wants my hair natural. 

7. Be kinder to my sisters.

I lose my patience with them too often and I do not want to be like that anymore. I love them dearly and since I am about to go off to college I do not want them to remember me as the crazy yelling sister. I know this will be hard since they know where my buttons are but I want to really work on not loosing it so easily. 

8. Volunteer more!

I love volunteering but have been very busy and have not made time for it like I should! I want to try and do something as the President of Girls Leadership Organization that can be a tradition for GLO. Maybe ARC dances. I would also like to do something for either Leukemia or kids suffering from cancer in honor of Alice.

9. Give my wonderful boyfriend extra love and support. 

He works so hard and is such an incredible person and treats me so well. I already try and give him recognition and love all the time but I want to make a point to do it even more because he is so awesome!

10. Organize more, stay organized longer.

I am naturally kinda all over the place but have been getting better. I have kept ALL of my school stuff organized all semester, which is the first time EVER. Now if I could only do the same for my room…

11. Make all A’s this next semester and re-take SAT with better score.

I made all A’s last semester and bumped up my gpa significantly, I also scored a 1820 on the SAT which isn’t half bad. I have already gotten into my school of choice The University of St. Thomas and received 28,000 scholarship over the next four years. However I need a little more to attend. I am hoping I can bump up both numbers and increase my scholarship!

12. Apply for outside scholarships.

And pray I get one of them!

13. Make a new (good) friend.

Since my best friends are all about to leave again, I would like to make a new good friend. Last semester I got closer to Dylan which was really cool. I want to meet someone else I really get along with and get close to.

14. Spend more time with people in Houston who I love.

This is mostly my adult friends. I will be working some for a good friend and will get to spend time with her. There are a few other people I want to get together with. Mama D, you inspire me to write so I’m sending this blog to you and calling you out for lunch! :)

15. Re-connect with people from Episcopal and throw away my judgements from freshman and sophmore year. 

I was at a party and talked a ton with some people I didn’t know well at EHS and one in particular who I thought I disliked. It was so different because there weren’t those stupid early high school social boundaries and we were able to connect. The girl I thought I disliked and I had a ton in common. I spent a long time talking to a guy who was really quiet and shy and we got along great. We have all grown a lot in the past few years. 

16. Write more music.

I have been so busy that I forget I even like to do this. I want to do more of this.

17. Take more chances.

I am a very well behaved teenager and to be honest am sometimes too cautious.  I am not saying I should go crazy but I need to let loose every once in a while, and be okay with it!

18. Grow in my relationship with God.

19. Stay open minded, think critically and love everyone deeply.

10. Lastly, make my second semester of my senior year count.

I have been so blessed to attend St. Stephen’s. I really want to enjoy the incredible people there, especially my teachers. I want to let everyone know how much of an impact they made on me and how they changed my life. I want to leave my mark on the school too, I’m not sure how yet, but we will see what the new year brings.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I am so blessed and have so many wonderful people in my life. I hope you think of some good resolutions and if you want, share them! May you all have a very very very Happy New Year full of blessings!